mexicans are mean?!?!?!?!

Every encounter I've had with anyone while boarding this plane has been unpleasant! And you better believe because I'm in a terrible mood and I look terrible that I'm being extra nice! It may be too early to really make any sort of judgemen (and I mean that in any way) but really, I think I might be having culture shock.

Really!?! A texan!?! Is having culture shock in mexico?!? That is literally like saying that a person that lives in Soho will experience culture shock when they go to Nolita*.
*Gayest sentence ever written?

mexicans are hot

It's 7 a.m. and I'm waiting to board my plane to mexico city at the houston airport. Its early, I'm wearing the same shirt I wear everytime I travel (a child's fruit o' the loom white v-neck tee with, seriously, pit stains from hell...I don't know! Call it superstition, I just cannot travel without it.), my face sucks, my hair sucks, and I don't even want to talk about my disposition.

Ok I lied; I totally want to talk about it (duh). I got up at 4:40 this morning to the heavenly glow of the glorious FLOURESCENT lights my dad has newly installed in 'my bedroom' [read: the trophy room]. He thought it was only fair that since my alarm had woken him up unpleasantly that he should only return the favor by throwing on the lights and yelling at me that I should learn how to 'arise silently'. Really? Really dad? Because I recall having been asked about 12 times if I had set my alarm. I'm sorry that you're upset that you had to take me to the airport so early it feels like you're in the past but get a grip.

Ahem

I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce a.m. Porto. There is a joke among my friends that some of us have split personalities that rear their ugly heads when they drink. About 3 people have clearly defined personas, complete with names, all of which begin with Mister (we hate men?). I have yet to receive mine but I think I'd like to declare it: I am Mr. Porto. Unlike my fore'fathers' my personality is most assuredly borne of sleeplessness, or more specifically of being woken up in an abrupt or unkind way.

Until now only the select lucky few that have had the opportunity to sleep next to me have been privy to this divine creature, and even then only those who are good enough to wake up the dragon. But now I invite you, average reader (if you're reading this blog, you are certainly not average, you special little bug!) to meet Mister Porto*.

I wish I was writing this from a real computer and not this Gameboy. I would certainly insert a YouTube of 'Isn't She Lovely' to really complete this post.

(*It's no coincidence that I am taking the name from my father. I hate him this morning. Even if he did make me coffee and toast. I'll see you in hell old man.)

for bianca.

glad you ain't in the dark and cold (and smellville)anymore.

theives!

i'm sorry?

really?

i'm still at work and...

in an attempt to contact my roommate to see if he was home caring for the dog, i typed in lucy's name for the text addressee.

yessssssssssssssssss

multi task

oh yeah sounds like a blast.

psych.*


*not psych at all. it sounds like an amazingly interesting idea for a show. thank god i live right next to the holocaust museum in houston.**


***** †

***better believe i'm still driving there.

† don't you stalk me.

crank that a.c.! i'm shvitzing!

really dubai?!?! you. are. bugging.



("Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey, the actors"...not to be confused with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey, the world renowned physicists.)

this is jack.

there outta be a law.

lazy ass utahns.

obviously i'm not trying hard enough.

nevermind that gary glitter is high out of this galaxy.


also



am i wrong in saying that the most shocking part of this is the fact that it was with girls?

razzle dazzle 'em.

is this the coolest or WHAT!?

where's this at?

this was one of my favorite shows. surprise.

story time!

i once stole one of these from a frat party but it wouldn't fit in the cab so i was forced to leave it on the street corner.

i like to think that the subsequent groups of people who happened to walk by this palm tree just sitting on the corner or 64th and 9th continue to tell the story. and maybe people stopped to take photos with it?

see, i like to excuse my delinquency by imagining that my bad deeds somehow are for the greater good or bring joy into the lives of others.

oh hi bianca.

you are the modern jesus.

im curing my hangover by drinking 5 drinks.

i said this to 5 people also. none of them asked which drinks. i'm flummoxed. that would be my first question.

so to answer my question:

i said aloud 'dragonfruit eh? yeah i could definitely do dragonfruit right now.'




out of everything i think that the two waters are really doing the most for me.

i think i'm having a very sensual day. i nearly had a love affair with the cottage cheese i ate for breakfast. it was the "BEST THING EVER!! MY TASTE BUDS WERE MADE FOR THIS MOMENT!!!!'

i may or may not be over the top today.

santa baby

dear santa

i think i've been a good person this year, however i can't say that with any real certainty. i've tried to be polite, less judgemental, warmer, more understanding, patient, courageous, and open. in return i've deepend my friendships, felt more secure and present in love, so much more comfortable with family, and more confident and pleased with work. what blessings. i've of course had moments of irresponsibilty, wrecklessness, insensitivity, fear, malice, sadness, and outright ugliness. i always feel regretful for having fallen into such easy ways of reacting to and dealing with situations, but...you pick yourself up and realize those are your lows.

so again, i can't say with any authority whether i'm naughty or nice. but i'm mindful...and doesn't that count fer sumfin?

here are the following sumfins i'd like it to count for, should it at all:

1) i would like my ceiling to stop leaking. and my floor to stop leaking into the dry clearner downstairs as well.

2) i'd like a claw foot tub with a wrap around shower curtain. but it has to be installed near the wall. otherwise i have nowhere to put my hair.

3) a new, energy efficient refrigerator. something is making my con ed bills outrageous and i have a sneaking suspicion that's it.

4) a really expensive mattress pad. space-age technology.

5) those amazing purple glass, irredescent plates from crate + barrel spring 08. i think they were called...oyster collection? don't hold me to that.

6) french doors on my room. and on justin's room for that matter. the dining room needs light. badly.

7) a new, grown-up couch. but i'd even just settle for a new futon cover.

8) a rocking chair? i don't know...i'm reaching now.

9) a club chair.

10) a perfect bookshelf for my office.

11) more books.

12) more plants. endless amounts of plants and books.

so...just let me know.

xxS

i know exactly how you feel

this happens to me every morning they don't have blueberrry oatmeal muffins at the coffee shop. it's a hard, hard knock life.

community health clinic

I have a dear friend that recommended this place to me. Her exact words were 'it' amazing and so clean and nice'. I came back for my lab results today and a woman that barely speaks anything, let alone english barked at me to 'YOU COME RIGHT NOW WITH ME' after calling me tiffany porter.Over the course of my 5 minute interview with this heavenly creature, by far my favorite question was in response to me saying I was here for my follow up: 'follow up for what?'

YOURE THE ONE HOLDING MY CHART. Unless of course your holding Tiffany Porters chart. Then I can see why you're confused.

in case you maybe thought i was cool.

although i don't know what would bring one to that conclusion.

so anyways. while looking for a proper trailer for the voyage of the dawn treader (I KNOW!) i found this.



i can't even laugh. it's that funny. this may rival the paddling kitty. may.



also, i'd just like to say to my sister - if you thought i was obsessed with the book...look out.

i see you rafael.

and i laugh and laugh and laugh. god i'm lucky to know only the most hilarious people ever.

holler at your boy.

better get those prayers out!

IN THE DOG HOUSE THIS WEEK IS....

JOSH STONE.
so i sez to him, i sez:

JASH! I was laughing so hard about dr. snutts I cried! also I walked by savorNY the other day and I cried then too. but that was from sadness.

he sez to me, he sez:

what's savorNY!?

...

josh. you are officially banished from the best friend forever house to the dog house. but just for the week! cause i'll miss you too much! i probs come bring you a casserole everyday.

is this seat taken?

how was the movie? oh, ya know...AWESOME. duh. but more importantly, how were the staaaaaaaaars?

whoa. whoa. whoa.

first of all it's UNBELIEVABLE how attractive adrian brody is. god's gift, ladies. GOD'S. GIFT.



ok well maybe he looked a bit like chuck noland last night...but still those eyes. what color would you say those are? hypnotizing? is that a color? i want to have your baby boys? yes.

but enough about that. his girlfriend is also so hot.


aside from her being gorgeous, just watching her gives you an idea of why they are so in love. she was sort of like a baby in a woman's body, slouching somewhat inelegantly over the seats in front of her to talk to his parents, munching on popcorn, drinking a coke, all in her tighter than tight sequin mini dress and perfectly coifed hair. body language that made you want to pinch her and tell her to sit up straight. body language that was marilyn-esque almost, now that i think of it. i can imagine that marilyn monroe probably slumped in her seat or chewed with her mouth open or had some other habit that was surprising and slightly unbecoming, but mostly i bet it just made her all the more captivating. anyways, elsa got the green light (uh huh huh huh).

what a perfect segue.


beyonce, listen, i don't care what you say about you and sasha and any other weird personalities you got in there to protect yourself on stage...you are without a doubt the fiercest creature. in real life. in real time. even when you're trying to stand up and take a bow and you get your shoe caught in your dress and fall back into your seat. never saw someone fall so well.



i wish i had the footage of her the very next night. no costume changes, no set changes, no choreography changes. no no. she looked those stairs and those heels in the face and said I DARE YOU TO DO THAT AGAIN. bone crusher anyone?

at any rate, she was so cute, didn't eat or drink a thing, and didn't speak publicly once before, during, or after the movie or during the party. she did however hug a lot.

did i mention that jay z may or may not be half giant?

did i also mention that puff daddy felt it necessary to wear his full length camel hair coat complete with fur trim collar inside the movie theater? he also found it necessary to show up right as the opening credits started, forcing me to get up to make room for said man (read: said coat) to pass.

how about that i asked cedric the entertainer where the bathroom was? i know full well where the bathroom is in that theater. and it's not even that i was just trying to speak to him. believe it or not, i can control myself most of the time. even around large, luscious, dangerously famous mens like cedric the entertainer.



i think more than having to pee half way through the film, i really just had to step out and get some air. i mean...i was sitting in the same row as beyonce for goodness sake. a girl's gotta breathe.

basically i stepped out of the theater and just turned to the first person i saw. really my voice just had to get out. what i needed to say was 'OMG DID YOU KNOW BEYONCE'S IN THERE?!' but what came out was 'scuse me where's the restroom?' better believe i got the death stare from his assistant, but mr. the entertainer was so nice and seemed a lil tickled at my gaff. it doesn't hurt that i'm cute like a mouse wearing pajamas when i try.



but really i have to say the highlight of the night was giving a 17 year old super fan jamilla an extra ticket that we happened to have. i thought she was gonna faint!

this almost ruined my life.

i had such a lovely morning walk replete with coffee, and songs, and wonderful, gorgeous, bouncy hair. perf.

i got in to work early (which always makes me feel like a million bucks!) and so i sat down with a fresh cup of coffee, a clif bar™, and prepared to have a listen to all my back logged 'this american life'. but as i pressed play, apparently a saved session of firefox opened at the same time, unbeknownest to me, and started playing this.



thanks jesse!

happy thanksgiving yall.

i got you babe.

i cried.

cause it's true. i am amazing at owning a heart and soul. not as amazing as i am at owning a brain, but hey 2 out of 3 right?

did ya'll know i was black?

i didn't.

but apparently this girl knows wHat's wHat (wut wut).

[below is a comment i received in response to this post on my 'other' blog - funny that this blog used to be my 'other' blog.]

I read this article to its very end, and all along I couldn't help thinking that you , as well as most african americans should once for all accept the fact that if you want a world of your own , you should go for it and create it . Asking other races to feel bad not having you on the covers of Vogue or any other fashion magazines , or runaways is ridiculous , period .
You guys can simply create your own Vogue , your own fashion houses(thanks good , people like Tracy Reese didn't wait for you...), like others have done...(their are Japanese and brazilians,Korean,Taiwan etc... versions of Vogue ) .
But of course it's maybe easier to sit there and complain all day long about how all the mean , racist others people are leaving you out off everything .
Now , when Vogue does, put a black man(Lebron James that is) with Gisele on the cover , that wasn't good either , as dumb readers found that the image was depicting the black men as an overly sexual ape ...
So , you see , no matter what , it's never good .
Stop cultivating the victim attitude , and you would then start growing strong and won't need to be on the cover of a white magazine , to feel that you worth as much as any other race in this planet .This will be good for your community...and definitely for all of us .

Irena

the week in review

well it's no secret that i'm a total creep, but i just couldn't resist! these kids are about...12. and on their way to school. and totally, unimaginably in love. at one point young man was explaining to young miss the finer hierarchical points that are observed within the wu-tang clan. oh yeah? i think you were maybe being born as robert diggs was acquiring absolute power over his band of merry men. but props, snaps, whatever to you friend. you definitely know more than i do.


after this exchange she looked at him and said 'listen you can't fail this class. it's a nothing class, but i'm not letting you go back to laguardia". ya hear that parents?

moving on

what. are. light. onions.
well one explanation was 'onions that aren't red'. that, as simple as it is, nearly blew my mind. yikes.


don't know hooooooowwww i feel about this one.

but i do know how i feel about THIS. can you imagine the person that these belonged to?



i can. i bet i can come within two inches of the correct answer.


aw c'mon that's not nice.

but this is!

man i love her. it's just true.


walked by this. thought nothing of it.


looked a little closer. thought maybe a little bit about this.


oh. so the 'for sale' sign was part of the window dressing? clever.

by the way. this is the name of this place:

clearly ladders are hard to come by.


and that's all i got!

omg i'm dying. i'm dead. i died.

paging dr. snutts?

fuck i hate this SO MUCH SO MUCH so muuuuuuuuch

this is my nightmare.

gross out

i just got this invite in the e-mail. i've taken the time to blackout all the information because i do not want to even come close to promoting this. not even by default.

julia pott

if you're reading this julia pott, i'm stephanie porto and i'm so in love with your tender heart!

*editor's note - this post's last sentence originally read "...and i'm so in love with you're tender heart. bianca was kind enough to point it out, but i want to make the case that it read as such because my original intent for that sentence was '...and i'm so in love with you because you're a tender heart.'

cough.

it's beyonce week ya'll!

and cadillac records is going to be something to see. baleedat.

hold me until the sun comes up

i feel this guys motivation...but i don't know about this solution. you can't really feel an image. but i think this proves the theory that men are more visual while women are more tactile.

one that note, here is an image of a pterodactyl. is that my spirit animal?

oh god.

i almost threw up. i can't take that these puppies are not in my hands, receiving every ounce of love i can give them.

i love greyhounds.

don't you?

say WHAT!?

go learn you that.

what rob?

again again!

i just love this photo!!

people have incredible fetishes.

really?

more obama luff.

if you don't know, now you know...

Danielle Levitt takes amazing photographs. Danielle Levitt tells amazing stories. Danielle Levitt has amazing hair.

All the rumors are true.



I went out to support the book launch at Deitch of this fantastically prolific and warm-hearted friend, whose work I've watched grow and grow and grow. Photographing american teenagers, she's given a stage and voice to them, shed light on all of their insecurities and strengths (and of course turned the mirror of memory on us), and ultimately has encouraged and revealed some of the most forcefully creative people of our society that are just trying to make their own way. It's an incredible gift to give to the world.

Props, snaps, hugs, cheers and all that shit.

Maybe you're asking, why blog so late? Well because 1) i'm forgetful like a goldfish, and 2) she just got written up for the NY Times style section and therefore reminded me that I did not properly laud her awesome achievements.