day four

things are quite unable to be pinned down & processed these days. i'm so thankful to be home with my family & also not be trapped in the winter wasteland that is NY right now, but i am looking forward to whenever the week comes when i feel i can have a bit of understanding about what direction i'm heading in.

i'm at the beginning of the medication process for my impending egg donation (giving, not receiving). this, while exciting & inspiring for me, has been confusing & left me feeling that i'm rushing forward into a completely unknown world of experience. i only hope that the good feelings & conviction i had at the beginning will stay with me through the end. thank you to my friends that have continued to remind me that this is an amazing & wonderful gift to be able to give. it is. it truly is. and i'm so proud of myself for my courage & caring heart. i pray for my recipients that everything goes well for them after my part is done.

giving the gift of life.

and also receiving the gift of death. today my sister's grandmother died.

she was a gentle queen. probably the smallest, most soft-spoken woman i ever knew, but she was still simply amazing. she didn't look unlike despereaux's mother.



this woman could grow anything, cook anything, talk & love anyone, but for as far back as i can remember couldn't see or hear a thing without powerful assistance. i guess everything is balanced.

its hard for me to take this as anything but a gift, seeing that she was very old & very tired but i do feel sad for my sister. her mother's family is not unlike my mother's family: decidedly lacking in sane or tolerable people & i know her grandmother was one of the only women she found admirable. she was soft, reserved, calm, & understanding & most importantly she didn't make my sister want to tear her own skin off.

it's hard to lose that. but my sister thankfully has absorbed all of those qualities & then some. it takes an enormous amount of poise to lose someone that signifies what grandma good did for her & not fall apart in a selfish scene. and she didn't. we talked about what death could mean, we talked about where she could be now, & we talked about how glad she was she had visited with her so much over the past year. we talked about power of attorney, how shocked she was by how fast she had gone, & about how happy she was that i was with her. she told me how she felt excited that if you're reunited with your loved ones when you die, that grandma got to see her husband today for the first time in 30 years.

i feel sad for my sister to lose one of her role models, but i feel yet again so moved to be reminded that my sister is such a strong and thoughtful and graceful and thankful person.