hello darkness my old friend

today & the entire weekend has been one helluva. no need to end that sentence.

when people say 'i feel like i've been walking around in a fog', yes. i feel like that. but in addition to the fog, i thought it would be good to wrap blackout fabric around my head, spin around 35 times, & cut off my arms for good measure.

i just haven't been participating in my life. it's as simple as that. i've chosen to sit down and take a breather in the form of putting my head completely underwater. and god am i angry at myself for that.

this post won't make much sense, well...yes it makes sense. i'm sure everyone has at some point in their life been 'there': your relationship with your partner is dwindling before your eyes & all you can think to do is push further away in the most unhealthy of ways possible, your body feels foreign & tired & just generally mutinous, books are like eating chalk, t.v. is worse, the simplest communications becomes the bane of your existence, & forget about current events. the NYC marathon could run right by your window & you would have no idea.

that last part happened this morning. it took me a full 20 minutes of watching to figure out what i was looking at. i exaggerate all the time. this time i did not.

so when you're "there" what to do? it seems like making it better would be like asking a deaf man to listen up.

what is this big rock that sits in the road of feeling better? better yet how on earth do i always manage to go find the rock & put it there. sadness or confusion is not a vicious place to be. i've been sad before without it being a dark & terrifyingly defeating place. (maybe 1 times) in an attempt to summon the yogini i will be in the future i say aloud that sadness/confusion/darkness/etc is as valuable as anything else. gifts from god to be opened with care. examined. cherished for the knowledge. blessed for the growth.

but i am not there yet because every time i say that, still i turn away from the gift, refuse to see the solution, refusing to move like an obstinate child, insolence & general shittiness imbuing my outlook.

i step back to look at myself and marvel at my isolation. i am dazzled by my momentum & absolutely knocked on my ass at the lengths i run away from help.

perhaps i am missing some self-preservation instincts. 'perhaps'.

i can admit that when i was a bit younger i found it eerily satisfying to surrender to the depression and get as dark as baby wants to. i find no relief in the martyr now. at least there's that. in that state i had found complexity. interest. drama. something to care for. now i find the opposite. i find weakness & kill myself over every moment of inactivity or regression. i find myself boring & tiresome. and then too tired to run..too tiresome to be worth a fight. therein lies the viciousness.

i try to examine the things that pull me back to myself. telling myself that i don't need to run from sadness helps. that i don't need old habits to save me from the bad times, that the bad times aren't monsters & that ultimately i'll always have me.

oh but like the most deadly & efficient of predators, habit creeps back to you like an ugly pet. i feel that i can't look myself in the eye for the foolishness & carelessness i've brought into my life lately. if it's the hard times & how you react that define who you are, i am truly sad. i have come to such a hard bend in the road & man, did i mess things up. i thought i could face a challenge boldly, with conviction & trust in myself. instead i decided to sit down & not participate in the slightest.

you know when a child is upset about something, say getting in the stroller, & they sit down? so you go to pick them up but they've suddenly become, as if backed by all the forces in the universe, 20 lbs heavier & infinitely more cumbersome?

that about gets it.


ill leave you with this clip from one of my most cherished movies. life is about balance & using your brains, stephanie.