fuck michael phelps

i hate HATE when i can't find something i'm looking for; my keys, a perfect meal, lil' smokies, the dog (she's under the dresser), an unbelievable interview with michael fuck you phelps from monday night conducted by bob costas with special guest cal ripken.

I HATE IT.

this was going to be about how sure, michael phelps is the best athlete ever, and sure, he's cute as a button (if a button didn't ever go to the dentist and was related to dumbo), but he is without a shadow of a doubt! DUMB AS A BOX OF HAIR.

look at the facts:

1) he has to work out for what? fifteen hours a day, no? something like that. i don't think even amazing godbaby michael phelps can socialize or learn when he's swimming laps at 700 miles per hour for 2/3 of the day. but who knows! maybe he can. maybe his gigantic heart has legs and leaps out of his chest and goes on dates while his robot body keeps at it in the pool. who knows?

2) you eat TWELVE THOUSAND CALORIES A DAY. are you goddamn kidding me? you're gross. let's take it back to the 3rd grade. what is a calorie? if i remember correctly, a calorie is the measure of how much energy it takes to raise one gram of water 1 degree celsius. well alright. and as i learned today a calorie of food energy is actually a kilocalorie, or 1,000 calories. don't tell oprah! anyways, what does all that mean? nothing! but it was fun ( a.k.a. the opposite of what i think talking to michael phelps would be). but aside from all of that, 12.000 calories a day means you have basically got to be stuffing your face...all the time? right? is it face stuffing time all the time? i think it is. well! i bet that would be just riveting to hang around and watch.

3) you have a 'wing span' (please shoot the person that referred to a human's arm span as 'wing span'. that's more disgusting than phelps' diet) of 6' 7" but you are 6' 4". i'm going to put aside the fact that disproportionate limbs are something i find repulsive. i'll look at this objectively. i can say in absolute objectivity that is decidedly the most abhorrent thing in the entire universe. no one would ever want to be friends with you. or teach you. or go near you. you may touch them and that is beyond terrifying. you're awful. a demon. a plague. objectively speaking, of course.

4) so your teammates call you gomer? as in gomer pyle? right...the point of that character was that he was an idiot.

but all of this means nothing without your dumb mouth to prove it all! the piece d'resistance was this interview. OMG IT WAS SO AMAZING. and not just because it proved my point. actually yes. it is just because it proved my point.

so michael phelps is answering these questions, right? and bob costas is trying not to laugh at him, right? and he's talking about how serious he is when he's swimming, right? and he says how cal ripken was one of his heros growing up, right? and then bob costas says he has a surprise for him, right? and who's on the phone but CAL RIPKEN! CAL RIPKEN!!! and what does phelps do? literally doesn't even register the surprise, the gesture, or the experience AT ALL. stone face "ohhhh heeyyyyyy whoaaaaa cool nice to talk to you too. see you back in baltimore."

really? you've never met him before and just got done talking about how he was your hero when you were a child and inspired you to be the most douchiest guy in the world and that's what you have to say?

schmuck.

you're a schmuck. and i'm pissed. and i'm double pissed that i can't find that interview. that's how amazingly bad it was. they can't even post it.

also. you're perpetuating the plague of obesity that is killing this country. how about not talk about how you eat 12,000 cals a day? how about not? cause that puts you in the same boat as jackass and backyard wrestling and that's how kids die: by trying your stupid bullshit at home.

also. krissy and i aren't alone.

also.

what. are. you. doing. shame on you. who do you think you are, god? you can tell by the body language that the people on both sides of you couldn't be more pissed off to be seated next such a hobo. it's a wonder anna wintour didn't smack you right in your goofy face.