more on heavy boots.

september 11th has always been elusive to me, my feelings and comprehension flitting away from me any time i try to examine where that day really stands in my mind. most times i feel like i never even experienced it, and very rarely i feel i'm reliving it in my subconcious over and over until i get it.

what can be said about such an outrageous event? i watch videos and cgi remakes sometimes just to try to logistically get it through my head what happened. it doesn't work. the more i watch or think, the less any of it makes any sense. and on the same note, the further we move from then, the more of an open wound it seems to become for me.

to clarify, i didn't lose anyone that day. i think i did however lose a little bit of my brain - i, up until then could convince myself that i could at least try to make sense of things that were happening around me, to me, because of me. i lost that. really not everything makes sense. subsequent things have happened in my life to bring this more and more into focus. it isn't necessarily a bad thing - sometimes you have to surrender to the fact that people, places, things don't have to make sense. at least not your brand of sense. but it's like the smack of a cold wave when you really get it for the first time.

in his book, jonathan safran foer explores this and tries to have an honest dialogue about what goes on in a human mind when something so horrific, something so completely out of your control happens. it addresses the blame game, the what ifs, the desperate search, both mental and physical, that a person can go on to try to bring some pieces together that make any sort of sense. it's a search for peace and closure. i loved this book for its reality, but most importantly i loved that there was no bow on top of a super duper box of sense at the end. there were no great discoveries or climactic aha moments, in the classic sense. the closure, as much as there could be, came from the strength and courage one finds in that journey, that the search for grace to move forward with your life is an ironic one because it takes an unbelievable amount to have the conviction to look in the first place.

i also appreciate that it's added to my vocabulary the phrases 'heavy boots' and 'that's one hundred dollars'. thank you jonathan safran foer, i am now 400% more adorable. theeeeeeeinks.