no doubt girl.

there is no disputing the fact that kelly cutrone is a total lunatic, but shit if i don't love her.

go buy her book. i'm not endorsing anything yet, but i bet it's worth reading.

there's a chapter named from warrior to warrior. SOLD.

now you've done it.

so i did it! i donated my eggs! hey-ya.

i feel wonderful about it. the other day i was telling a friend who was curious about the whole thing start to finish & you know her reaction was: so you dont think you want kids yourself?

ill tell you that scared the dickens out of me. does she know something i somehow missed in my extensive research?? well, not much to do about it now.

the honest truth is no, probably not gonna want that. it's not for me.

she agreed. she shared that she probably won't want them either. that surprised me a lot more than i thought it would. not because she strikes me as a maternal person, but more because i'm not sure if anyone's ever agreed with me. at least not a woman.

i've wondered many times aloud what it is about this decision that strikes people as odd & why most people insist i'll change my mind when i get older or meet someone who's magical.

i've met many magical men & i'm certainly of age.

so why can't i just live? when i say i dont want a cat people are like OH YEAH TOTALLY WHO THE FUCK LIKES CATS??

not everyone...but some people.

ok one person.

i'm mulling it over.

i go to this site a lot for many different reasons, the slightest of which not being that i love all things womanly.


they had a great article a while ago re: women who don't want kids. the first woman they feature i felt an instant kinship with.



there is so much to think about. in a perfect world what i really hope is that the man i'm with will have a child already. in my last relationship i experienced the very unique confusion & distress that comes up when one wants children & the other doesn't.

of course we rarely if ever spoke about it, but for me it was a point of contention that grew directly in proportion to our love for each other. i often thought of it when i felt the strength of the stability & bond of the relationship & it would really rock me.

i imagine that this is only going to be a bigger issue moving forward. never say never & i certainly wont say i'm completely closed off to the idea of kids.

i just hope i get to explore the other side of the norm. i dont want to be pushed.

so very tired

i am getting so fed up with this egg donation. trying to stay positive but i'm just so over the blood tests & ultrasounds & anxiety & early wake up calls & injections & pills. i have no doubt about the fact that this is awesome & i'd do it all over again but man i can't wait for it to be done.

in between all of this i've been hanging out like it's my job. from topanga canyon new age healing bar-b-ques to downtown loft party madness to after hour clubs to swimming in indoor pools once belonging to the rat pack, this trip has certainly delivered in the fun department.

collage inspired by a guy hitting on me with the most random intense things, rejecting him, & then him LITERALLY turning around & kicking the same game to my best friend. she rejected him too. not a bad guy, just so mystified & horrified by these tactics.

sing sweet lullaby

'wanna fly? you gotta give up that shit that weighs you down.' - toni morrison, song of solomon





what a powerful way with words this woman has. fills me with wonder & excitement about the creative spark within myself & everyone around. such great things are to be made!

wanna meet that decade.

denise said yesterday: 'i guess this past decade was the time to be confused. this decade is when we do it. i mean, wow, if you're going to have children, get married, families, create your life, its gonna happen this time.'

made me shake in my skin a little bit. i know how i feel now about having children. i know how i feel now about getting married. i wonder then what will this decade hold for me? i was pretty good at defining my 20s, all about party & bullshit & crippling waves of depressive anxiety...i held that down. i completely filled the expected.

but now i wonder how i will fill this most important decade to come. most certainly not with party & bullshit, & so on & so forth. something will change.

but so if not with babies or husbands, maybe dogs & books? here's hoping!

hopefully with wonderous expeditions, fascinating people, & deeply satisfying moments.

here's to a few great big love affairs.

and lets plan on learning to surf & continuing the tradition of total babedom.

i made this collage for the new year. i'm in LA & its wonderful for the fact that i can stretch the hell out. but i wish in the city proper, it felt more claustrophobic.

and man did anyone see that moon tonight?




HAPPY TWENTY TEN!

JESUS, WHERE ARE THE TELEPORTATION STATIONS ALREADY?